The world and its collective wife is getting in a right old tizz about something called GDPR, I don't know what it stands for, I just know it sounds really really boring and like most boring things it's compulsory.

I've had more important stuff to do like watching Westworld and doing actual work/sunbathing. But a quick glance on the interwebs tells me that if I don't want to end up as a Mark Zuckerberg style meme I need to tell you what I'm doing with all your super secret shit and you need to say "Yeah whatever,cool" and then we can just carry on as per usual.

You'll fill out my contact form, it'll have a box to tick where you agree that you are ok for me to contact you, after you filled it in for the express reason of getting me to contact you. 

If you're thinking this sounds like the most pointless dumb ass idea to ever see the light of day you'd be right.

Once you've sent over your super secret shit like where you're getting married and your names ( IF THEY ARE YOUR REAL NAMES YOU SNEAKY BASTARDS) I will read it and if you sound like decent humans I will contact you back. I'll keep your super secret shit safe in my password protected email account on my password protected phone and computer. I won't ever use your super secret shit again unless you decide I'm the least crap option for your wedding photos, then I might use it to ask you to pay me or remind me where the hell I need to go on the day. 

Also I might write down stuff in a filofax, it's fancy looking and it makes me feel like a successful type business person to carry something to meetings instead of just my car keys.

When I'm done with you and you're done with me (because you're married and we no longer mean anything to each other. Oh my heart.) I'll ceremoniously burn your super secret shit that I wrote down or press the delete button. If you have trust issues I can film it and send you the proof for £29.75.

I won't send you newsletters, offers or any of that spammy crap, I also won't tell anyone else what you told me or give your super secret shit to anyone else. I might possibly mention super secret shit to my dogs whilst I am working, I provide them with food and shelter on the solemn promise that they keep their big woofy mouths shut so I'm not worried.

I'll take photos of you and people you know because it's my job and sometimes I'll use them on social media or my website or a wedding blog so I don't go bankrupt and become yet another unemployment statistic.

If you don't want me to do this then just tell me, you don't have to say why, I'll just assume you work for MI6 and have a way more exciting life than me.

If you aren't ok with all this then contact me to tell me, I won't be able to contact you back because well....yeah exactly, it's ridiculous.

Right I think that's it, everyone happy?

Excellent, pass me a gin.